...no matter how painful

Because this is painful, because it needs to be remembered. Ya know those days where you are going about your business (chores, sports, TV, whatever) and life hits you so hard you know it has been the worse day of your life? Today is that day. November 3, 2019 will be a day that lives forever for me. Think of a day that has been bad. Loss of a job, car crash, credit card compromised. Well, multiply that by a number so big it cannot be counted. That is today. Tears were shed today. I am still in a daze and am not sure what to make of it. That numb feeling of, did this happen?, is it real?, will tomorrow be better?. I know from history that it will, I know as an adult that things do get better. I know that when I wake up it will still be there and every day after that. A day where things change - forever. No going back, no asking for a do over. It will not happen nor will it be provided. Life changing day. A day where life tomorrow will be different. Some will remember, others will not. Will those memories fade? Will they come back in some sort of odd flashback or odd déjà vu? Time will be the one that decides it all. Only I know what happened, I was there. The experience will be with me forever and that is the type of day that changes a person. It was not something that was decided upon, no one said today is the day. It happened and cannot be taken back. This is raw, this is now. I need to put this down to remember, to know this is not a dream. Understand this is not for punishment. It is not to dangle and say look at this, look at what was done. No. This is for me. For me to know that this day was life altering. Why? Because. So many reasons. No reason. Sad. Frightened. Alone. Undeniable. I don't know what to do. I know exactly what to do. The road ahead is hard. Some will say, things have been worse. For you then there have been days that hold no fire to this day. But, for me, today, of all the things that have happened in my life, this day is the worse day of my life. Everything else is insignificant to this day - and I mean EVERYTHING. No one, no time, no situation that I have been in has been as hard. My life has been a cake walk up until today. Anything in life is now easy, attainable. As if I were to build a pyramid by myself and all I am doing is the Sunday crossword. I need my focus and attention to be on point. The path is clear, the forest is cut down. One only needs to come out of the fog to truly comprehend how easy everything else in life is. Not a single soul could get in my way of fulling my goals and what I want to accomplish. Today is the day that me, as a person, has been put on the line and how this all shakes out will show what kind of a person I am.