WARNING: The topic I am going to be discussing is death. The post I am writing is close to my heart and has just happened in the last 24 hours. It may go into topics or subjects that people may not feel comfortable with but I need to talk about this. I need to express my feelings to understand more than I do now. Continue at your own risk.
At 20:10 on December 24, 2010 my grandmother, Arlene Meldrum, passed away. She was 92.
This is the first time someone so close to me has died. It has been very hard for me. Not to take away the pain of her children or anyone else. She was special.
The right set of circumstances brought us together like no one else. She was trying to get out of a situation that she did not want to be in and my mom was doing her best as a single mom but needed more help. So in 1973 she moved in with my mom to help out with me. She lived with us until 1991.
Over the years I grew more selfish and did not want her in the house anymore. My thoughts go back to those days and I did not put myself in anyones shoes to see how they would feel. It was all about how I felt and what was best for me. I do apologize for that. The hope is we all grown and learn and understand what the right thing to do is. It has taken longer for me to grow but this has been a big grown time for me.
Some family members decided to see her to say goodbye. When we arrived at the lodge she was staying at I saw that she was not doing well. We found out from one of the daughters that had been there for almost 2 days what had happened. She was responsive on the 23rd, saying yes and no to what she wanted and did not want. However on the 24th she did not open her eyes in the morning and was having a very difficult time breathing. All but morphine was being given to her to help her breath easier and to help with any pain that she might have. Since her stroke in 1997 she had been in a wheel chair which was hard on her body. Looking at her now I could hardly see the woman that once was there as a surrogate parent.
In late November she had a urinary infection which went to her blood. This may have been a turning point in her health, as I do not think she totally recovered.
Being there with family members did make things easier. However seeing this small frame fight for each breath was difficult. With her eyes closed and no response to touch or spoken word was scary to see. We held her hand and stroked her farm to sooth her and to comfort us. When we held her hand she did not try to clench back. This was Grandma but her essence was no longer there.
While I was by her side watching her breath, thoughts of life, death, why things are the way they are went through my head. I was thinking so much about what is important. What is amazing is that the body was getting ready for death. Her legs were not as warm as they were and they started to turn to a different colour.
Tears came freely that night. Pain was in my whole being. I hate time. Time is something we cannot control nor turn back. My thoughts were not to go back in time to be with her again. The reality of the moment was on me. This was happening. Nothing could be done to stop what was going to happen. No one knew how long it would be. We stayed for a few hours and my mom decided to stay for however long it was going to be. An uncle and I started the drive back to Calgary.
Within 20 minutes I received a call that Grandma was gone. We turned around and started back to the lodge.
Today, 24 hours after, I still am sad, scared and wondering what is next. Life does not stop for everyone else in our community. People work, live and do what we have planned. But this is now the time after her death. This is a time that I thought would not come as soon as it did. Things like "time is fleeting" come to mind.
I do have one regret with her and I could have told her what I wanted to but never did. I do not want to do that again with anyone else. I hug my kids more, I tell them I love them more. Today I was not myself. Christmas still happened but being in the moment did not happen this year for me.
Today thoughts of Christmas of long ago came flashing back. Times that happened once were now again in my head. Warm thoughts of her and time we spent together. Looking back at some of those times make me see how I was. Some thoughts make me sad when I see how I was.
I cannot express what I need as I am not capable at this time to do so. In time the pain with ease and thoughts will be come more clear. A drive to see her is no longer possible. Each drive to see her was the same - to see a family member that was loved. That drive will never be the same again nor will it have the same meaning.
Where do we go after death? There are lots of ideas on this topic. I don't know what I believe. A selfish idea is that I will see her again after my death. Of course I would want that for anyone I have known. No one knows what really does happen. No one. Please believe what you believe.
Grandma, I love you so much. You influenced me more than you could have ever known. I hope that you are proud of me today. My duty from now on will to be a better person and live my life in a positive way. My feeling is that I have been trying to do that but need lessons in certain areas to help with the whole package. Please know that I will never forget you. My thoughts of you will live on in my thoughts and actions.
Rest easy as your life here is now done. Please take the time to do the things you were never able to do and experience. One small change may have made the difference in your life as it can in all of our lives. Do not be embarrassed about things that happened in your life or decisions you made. We all do things that we wish we could redo. That time has passed. Your life stands for itself now and you have nothing to worry about. I do not think less of you or feel different for the things I know.
You are and will forever be my Grandma.
Love always,
Shane
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